I have a LOT of homework I really should be doing, but I've decided to use this blog as a means to procrastinate today. Plus I feel like I need to purge myself emotionally. When I weave my pent up feeling into words it makes me feel better.
So here we are.
I've felt like a total loser the past few days with a big heavy black cloud of disappointment hanging above my head and making itself my best friend.
I keep feeling like I'm stuck in a pit of sand, trying to move forward like everyone else but the issue is everyone else is on one of those flat escalators at the airport, being perpetuated into happier more successful futures at speeds much greater than mine.
Comparison is such an awful game; but it's hard not to when you've been married five years and have no children and no house and are back in school for ANOTHER year of your life. Meanwhile everyone else has got their shiz together.
I know this isn't true but I feel like because I have no child yet I haven't done anything of any worth or meaning. That my existence is somehow inferior to those who have children. That nothing I have accomplished is even remotely noteworthy because I'm not a mother.
I feel all this even despite knowing that I am in the place and on the path that is right for ME. But just because I know I'm on the right path doesn't mean I'm not plagued with doubts and fears and jealousy. Maybe that's a lack of faith on my part. A weakness of character. A flaw of my ever so present human-ness.
So desperately I want to finally prove myself worthy of the blessings I seek! So desperately do I want those things now! I feel like I have been patient, I have waited, I have worked hard, I have suffered, I have cried, I have sacrificed.
How much longer do I have to wait, God?
Thomas S. Monson once said "You can't change the wind, but you can adjust the sails".
I like that quote, but the problem is I'm kind of a crappy sailor!
I know God is always right and always upholds his promises.... so I guess I'm going to just have to get beaten around by all these winds until I finally learn how to steer this freakin' ship!
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OK HAN. AGREE WITH ALL OF THIS! We've been married 4 years, have no house, and no children, and probably won't for a while. I feel like for me it feels more like people value motherhood above going to school/career? Which like, I feel like they are both hard. I often feel invalidated though, because like I am paying so much to go to school, and we're living so far away from all friends and family, and it's HARD WORK to do school/internship... and I feel like people are just like, waiting for me to have babies AND THEN I will be doing something worth congratulating.
ReplyDeleteIdk, do you know what I mean? I feel like what I'm doing right now isn't "cool" or "worthwhile" in a lot of people's books, because they don't think I should work as a mom, etc. So yeah, I feel ya on this HARD. Something I did that helped was unfollow a lot of mommy bloggers who were making me feel like what I was doing wasn't worthwhile! I still follow a lot of moms and mommy bloggers, but they are the people who are chill and nice. Idk.
Just.... I feel ya on this. Hardcore haha.
Maybe it is the culture we are from?? I'm not downplaying motherhood in ANY way. I want to be a mom someday and totally believe it is the most important work! HOWEVER, where is the recognition for working really really hard and obtaining an education? I feel like the rest of the world really values women who are educated but I feel the 'culture' in Utah doesn't value it as much. Which is too bad. I mean what if you husband dies? If you have an education you are able to support yourself and your family. Self reliance is very important and should be more valued by our Utah culture. Everyone's path is different and I'm not saying any one path is RIGHT or WRONG. I just wish I didn't feel like such a dumby being on the path I'm on right now just because it isn't the 'common' path.
DeleteGIRL I FEEL THIS! every word!!! we are in the same boat - child-less and without a home. and although we are both working SO hard towards career goals, sometimes i feel like we are just spinning in circles. i often feel lesser to my friends with kids, like i just "don't get it" yet.
ReplyDeletei am in no place to give advice about this wrestle (because i am going through the same thing) but just KNOW the heavenly father sees your progress! he cares about what you care about and he doesn't value you less because you're on a less traditional path or you don't have kids yet. that time will come and it will be great - but now is great too. ;) you're awesome, girl!
I am so sorry you are feeling this way! It is so easy to fall into the trap of judging our own lives so harshly, and then we look at everyone else's highlights and think that is their complete reality. You are doing AMAZING and IMPORTANT work as a nurse! I often feel the same way as a mom... like what I am doing isn't really enough. Just like you would probably tell me that it is absolutely enough, I feel the same way looking at all of the hard work you have put into your career, family relationships, and all of the other things that you do on the side! God brought you to where you are in life and there is definitely purpose in that. I hope that God gives you everything you hope for plus some, but while you wait just know that others are having those same feelings, and you aren't alone. I remember having very similar feelings when I was struggling with secondary infertility after my first son. We had started trying for a second baby as soon as he turned one and for the next two and a half years I struggled with constant questions about when we were going to have more. I felt like staying home with just one child wasn't enough to the world and I had to have more in order to be a good stay at home mom (and trust me I had always wanted more anyway). Looking back at it now, I wish I could convince myself that it was okay to be sad that I couldn't get pregnant, but that God's plan REALLY was the best thing for me. It turned out that my son needed more one on one time while he was young to work through some things, and the age gap has been the best thing for my boys' relationship. All of this to say that there is nothing wrong with feeling down, but try not to forget the incredible value in what you are doing right now. God has you exactly where you are supposed to be. And that mom with the kids and the house, might be looking at your life and wondering if she should have done things a little differently. It is just so easy to compare lives without a clear enough picture. You are doing great, and there is so much beauty in the fact that everyone's lives look very different. We have some friends with kids, some that never want kids, and some that just haven't been able to have them yet, and they are all just as important in this world.
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