Vienna

I've always considered myself a 90 year old trapped in a much younger body. Which explains why I love being a gerontology nurse so much. Those old people are my crew. 

Anyway that paragraph was just a roundabout way of me saying I love oldies music.

And right now this song is really speaking to me.

This year has been very challenging and difficult for me. I wrote a while ago about how I've been struggling with anxiety and depression. It truly is the plague of our generation.

Mentally and physically I've been really worn out. Worn down to the last fraying threads. It's hard to keep up in today's society. There is a lot expected of us young people. Gone are the days where you married your high school sweetheart, got a job and settled down in a cute little home in a cute little neighborhood. Things are more complicated than that. 

I guess I've just got too caught up in all the complications of life. The competition of life. Maybe these struggles I've been facing are God's way of saying ....You gotta slow down.

What I really mean is every time I start to feel a little bit better I try to take on way too much, and then God has to tug at me a little bit and bring me back down to earth and say 'Hey, you're doing too much right now.'

Why can't I own a house, have a career, be pregnant, rich and have finished my college degree all at 23?

HA. I mean when I write it out in a sentence like that it sounds kind of ludicrous but when you compare yourself to everyone else it seriously seems like you have to be at that point in life in your early twenties.

At the beginning of the summer we were honestly shopping for a house, I was in school full time, both of us working full time (actually me working tons of overtime), and planning starting a family. Not to mention still going to the gym multiple times a week and continuing my barrel racing lessons. And of course there's church obligations, and social obligations.

I mean my goodness. That's too much for any one person to handle.

I've crashed and burned again and God has looked me square in the eye and made it obvious to me that my plans right now aren't his plans. In a loving way, of course.

Slow down, you crazy chid.

You're so ambitious for a juvenile

But then if you're so smart, then tell me

Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?

You'd better cool it off before you burn it out

You've got so much to do

And only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told

That you can get what you want or you get old

You're gonna kick off before you even

Get halfway through

When will you realize, Vienna waits for you

Too bad, but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two (oooh)
When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

What's been happening this summer...

Unless you have simultaneously worked full time while also taking over 10 credits of class work then you have no idea what a terribly crappy situation that is.

My entire summer has pretty much consisted entirely of working and learning chemistry. It's been a real bore.

With that said I have found a few spare minutes to attend several fun engagements with friends and family.

For instance one of my best friends, Tara got married and had her reception in my parent's back yard! It was the cutest little backyard wedding there ever was. Cold Stone even showed up and fed us ice cream! How cool is that. There's something about white tents and glowing strings of yellow lights that speaks magic to my soul. Add some jazz music and BAM. That's a good time.

I had the privilege of doing the flowers for her wedding. Floral arranging is very therapeutic. I wish I could make a full time job of it, but for some reason I ended up being a nurse, whoops.

My BFF Shelby.

This is pretty much the crew we run around with these days - Tara & Clark and Shelby & Scott. Here we are on a sketchy hiking adventure up the Three Bears Trail at Wildwood. There used to be this elderly man who groomed and took care of the trail but he's now passed on and let's just say the trail has become REALLY run down since then. We still made it to the top however and had a jolly good time. 

We've gone to several rodeos and I finally fulfilled my lifelong dream of attending Spanish Fork's Fiesta Days. It did not disappoint.

And Strawberry Days is always a must. It just isn't summer without a cup of strawberries and cream while being crowded amongst hundreds of sweaty people to watch a rodeo.

I can always count on this girl for any type of country adventures! Be it the rodeo, a campfire or a horseback ride. Love ya Ash.

We also went to Hawaii back in July, but I felt that called for its own post. So more on those adventures soon.

Just writing this post has made me realize I've had more fun this summer than I've thought. The fact that it's coming to a close seems so crazy (but when does it not?). Nathan and I have a lot of changes in our lives happening soon and I'm trying to hold on to any last thread of normalcy that I can, but I'm afraid with the close of summer comes with it the close of life as I've known it for the past 3.5 years. 

More on that later. Peace out friends.

Poolside Chillin'

My lovely friend Tara is getting married this week and so last weekend we threw her a bachelorette party at the Little America in Salt Lake for her one last hoorah as a single woman.

Just look at this pool.

It was nice to relax and swim and then go order a bunch of room service and pig out on cheesecake and other various desserts with just the girls! Even though we were only a half an hour away from home it felt like we were on a legit vacation. 

Speaking of vacations I have quite a few things I want to go do this summer. I mean, I always have a list, but I'd really like to check some of the things off of it this year. For one, I've been dying to go camping at Goblin Valley. I also have this weird desire to go hang out in Las Vegas for a weekend, even though I don't gamble. But I DO enjoy a good buffet, so Las Vegas seems like a good place.

Only had to work half of a shift today! Nice to come home at a semi-decent hour. Too bad I don't get that set up every day.

Most days I show up to work and it's like this:

....and then I'm there until like midnight.

Good thing I like my job.

We have big news! We are moving. After three straight years of living in the exact same basement apartment we are looking for a new place. As much as I've loved our cute little neighborhood, it's time we found a bigger space with preferably some windows and a yard. Please and thank you.

Yeehaw

Nathan and I went for a horseback ride by the lake last night and despite being eaten alive by swarms of bugs we had an exceptional time. I've said it once, I'll say it again, nothing is better than being on the back of a horse.

.......except maybe walking through the gates of Disneyland. That one is up for debate.

We've got a serious hottie on our hands here people! Nathan doesn't ride nearly as often as I do but I'm thinking about getting him on horses more often this summer. Considering the fact he's a country boy n' all I think it is pretty much a requirement that he gains this crucial skill. Plus doesn't he just look like a natural?

OK, I had to share the above picture because I was in the drive-thru at JCW's and I casually take a glance in my rear view mirror and I see these kids pull up behind me in a GOLF CART! Haha, I love that. Reminds me of some rebellious thing I might do. All the roads surrounding JCW's are really busy roads, so I'm not entirely sure how they even got there in their golf cart, but however they did, it's awesome. Hats off to them.

A Jumble

2016 has been one strange roller coaster ride for me. I've discovered sides of myself I never even knew existed - the good, the bad and the ugly.

We are currently on the brink of moving and we are entirely at a loss as of what to do. I will spare you the boring details but pretty much our choices consist of play it safe and stick around Utah County, or sacrifice another two years of our lives and live in poverty so Nathan can do two more years of school in Logan.

We visited Logan this past weekend, and while I recognize that Cache Valley is indeed a lovely area I was just NOT getting good vibes from it.

I have nothing against small towns either, mind you. I love small towns and all their charm. I mean hell, Nathan grew up in Driggs, Idaho: population 103.

But as for Logan, I just wasn't feeling it.

All my life I've felt fairly confident in my life choices, but as for what we should do on this matter I am at an utter loss. Totally dumbfounded. Maybe it's because my wants and my better judgement are out of sync, I don't know.

So where we shall live and what Nathan is going to do about either continuing his education further or not is to be determined.

It gives me a headache just thinking about it so let's stop.

In other news it was 'Nurse's Week' this past week. Which really doesn't mean a whole lot, but I did get a bag of various snack foods from my work so I guess that was cool.

My first three months as an LPN have been a real trial by fire, but my nurse confidence it getting better I think. You know they say it takes three years for a nurse to be even considered 'competent'? That's a long time, folks, and I still have another year of nursing school left. I love my job though. I love the cute old people I take care of, and I love being the nurse in charge. It's awesome.

I can feel that summer is right around the corner, and I've been itching to participate in all my favorite summer-y activities! I think Nathan and I will be purchasing long boards this year fo' sho'. Also I can't wait to get the first initiatory summer snow cone and go hang out at the swimming pool. We went to my brother's baseball game this last week, and if baseball doesn't speak summer I don't know what does.

Nathan loves it when I snap pictures of him in the car, HA! He loves me.

Whelp. It's been a real slice. Wishing you all a fantastic week!

The Cold, Hard Truth

Lately I have been SO tired.

As in I can't get out of bed before 1030 tired.

As in I sleep 10 hours a night on my days off tired.

As in I drink 100,000 oz of caffeine a day, trying to battle my tiredness, tired.

I've been working about 50 hours a week since I began my new job as a nurse. The first two months were REALLY hard for me. I felt a copious amount of anxiety every time I'd go into work and I'd suffer even more anxiety for the days following my shifts. I spent all my time off worrying about work. I'd dream about it every night! It was awful.

I'd cry a lot and for the first time in my life I felt really low, and well to be honest, depressed.

I had never really experienced many emotional struggles or difficulties in my life up to this point. I had always felt happy. I mean sure you get blue days now and again, but I'd never experienced such a long streak of utter sadness.

I've been praying a lot and feel like this time of struggle has been good in a sense because I have had to rely on God constantly for help. I've asked Nathan to give me a lot of blessings in the course of the last few months, and they have all been very reassuring. It's nice to know that God is there and has your back even (and honestly, especially when) you're going through difficult times.

My mom had a good talk with me and out of tough love scheduled an appointment with a doctor so I could get on some anti-depressants about 6 weeks ago.

And although I put up a good fight and insisted I didn't need to be on anti-depressants I'm immensely grateful that I did start on them, because it has helped SO much. 

Like really, I feel so much better.

I know there's a stigma associated with anxiety and depression, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I've struggled with it recently.

Frankly the vast majority of people suffer it at some point in their lives, and it seems to be increasingly more common among my generation.

I am about to hit my three month mark of being a nurse and although I still have a looooonnnngggg way to go until I am completely comfortable with my position, and I know I still have a lot to improve upon in my life overall, I am feeling better day by day.

"If you are on the right path, it will always be uphill" 

-Henry B. Eyring

Disneyland 2016

Nathan's brother got married in San Diego a couple of weeks ago, so my in-laws being the very generous people that they are decided to take us all to Disneyland while we were out there! It was SO nice to escape and get away from the hustle and bustle of every day life and just enjoy a couple days where your only worry is what ride to get in line for next or when you're going to stop for your next giant pickle or turkey leg!

Here's the whole crew! Nathan's parents were such good sports and were able to keep up with all our tireless energy running from one place to the next! We got there when the park opened and didn't leave until it closed. Hardcore Disneylanding.

Haunted Mansion is my favorite ride ever. I promise I'm not a weird gothic person, I just really love Haunted Mansion. Despite the fact that I go to Disneyland like two times a year I haven't gotten to ride it for almost five years! Devastating huh! It had always been closed for one reason or another or it was the 'holiday' version which is not my fav. So I was very grateful I FINALLY got to ride it in its natural and perfect state!

Also, it rained the entire time. I wish I could say the almost constant down-pour scared away some guests but it certainly didn't. Spring break is always crowded down there, but we had our ponchos and good company so we didn't mind waiting in long lines in the rain (or at least I didn't, maybe I should just speak for myself? What can I say I am a Disneyland fanatic). I've always thought ponchos were so cheesy but I must say I felt very fortunate to have them haha! 

We also went to a Padres vs. Dodgers game in San Diego and that was a real treat. Despite the 7$ diet cokes (yes!! 7$) it was a lot of fun. Nathan served his mission in San Diego so I think he really enjoyed running around his old stomping grounds. One thing I was surprised by however was how many homeless people there around in downtown! They were lined up in tents and sleeping bags on the streets. I have never seen anything like it, it was very sad. But I guess if you have to be homeless San Diego wouldn't be such a bad place to be homeless in. The weather is consistently nice, after all. Still it was very shocking the sheer amount of people on the streets there were.

The weather has gotten really nice here in Utah, so I've been able to ride horses outside instead of in the barn freezing my toes and fingers off! Riding horses is such a relaxing thing for me. When I'm in the saddle I don't feel obligated to think about any of the worries of life and that's quite refreshing.

I have been so exhausted and tired lately, like I've been sleeping 11-12 hours a night on my days off, it's been ridiculous. I think it's a side effect of working such long and crazy shifts. I'm a nurse at a post-acute rehab/skilled nursing facility and I seriously clock in at 0600AM and don't leave until 1030/1100 at night. No lunch break, rarely a pee break. It is absolutely exhausting work, but I find a lot of satisfaction in it. I love being the 'nurse' and taking care of my patients! I just get so worn out by it. I go home and feel almost useless for anything else because I give so much and put so much energy out while at work. I've gotten overtime nearly every single week since I began working there! I won't lie the OT pay is nice but I wish I could get off on time, haha! Maybe it's just the fact that I'm a new nurse and still not at top efficiency, I don't know. But I've found it incredibly difficult to find motivation to work on school because I'm so pooped all the time!

Nathan and I will be moving at the end of the summer and I'm kind of sad, but also excited for it! So many emotions in one. We've lived in our same basement apartment for three years now! But I recognize it is definitely time to move on. I didn't get into the LPN-RN program for this fall, so a little bummed, but honestly also a little relieved about that. So this fall I can just work on some side classes and work while Nathan gets back in school.

Soooo much school! When will it end! *shakes fist at the sky*

Anyway, just a little update on the going-ons of life. Peace out my friends.